Short thoughts on a tall life.

Sometimes I wonder why it is I'm still alive. After all the things I've done to myself over the years, I am amazed that I'm still around. There are times when I just wonder why it is I'm still alive, not because of the things I've done to myself but more because of the thing I couldn't do. I've heard it called "the cowards way out", I disagree completely, but what if you don't have the balls to take "the cowards way out"? What does that make you, or more to the point me? Something less than a coward? Not brave enough for cowardice? I don't know, and sometimes I don't care.

The Anniversary Waltz

This post is an open message to my darling wife Nic and having spent a lot of the morning thinking about exactly what to say in this post, I am no closer to being able to work it out and plan it, so I am going to do it the way I have lived most of my life and just wing it 😃.

Today is the anniversary of the day that you and I were married and, despite my many faults and failings, you're still with me. You have changed my life in so many ways and enabled me to change my own life as well. It hasn't always been an easy ride, mostly due to outside influences, but it has never been uneventful and we have seen it through together (although you're normally more together than me). You have supported me through my down and dark periods, and have put up with my inane ramblings about music and things during my more manic times. You have more belief in me and my abilities than I ever have and you know when I need to be told what to do and given a kick up the bum to do it. You have an amazing heart and a loving personality. You are a great mother to our son and a wonderful wife to me. All that and you put up with my smells and snoring. I know I tell you I love you every day, not always sure I show it enough, but I'll never understand what I did right to deserve you.

I look forward to many more years together and the date is set for the 10 year anniversary vow renewal and karaoke (I'll let you off the vajazzle as long as we can have the Peter and Katie pumpkin coach 😃).

Love you so much
xxx

Some Thoughts On The Recent Past & The Future

Ok, I have thought long and hard about this post. Firstly about if I should even post anything about the referendum and the result, and secondly about what exactly to say once I had decided to do so.

Let me start by saying that I voted to stay in the EU. I can honestly say that there are many things about the EU that I don't like and if we had never been in it and the referendum was about if we should join then I would have said "No", but we are a part of the EU (not removed ourselves yet) and as such leaving will have many consequences. Some of those will be economic, some will be political, and some will be social. As far as the economic and political consequences are concerned, they are things that we will have to cope with and will be more in the hands of those in charge of the country once they, and us, finally decide exactly who that will be and how they are going to manage things and what crap will be shovelled onto us. The social consequences are much more in our hands. There has already been a rise in racial hate crimes and attacks, both verbal and physical, since the result of the referendum came in, we as a society MUST not allow racist thugs to take control of the streets and make it so that non-white people and foreign born, or those born of a family that was originally foreign, people are scared to go out and live their lives. There seems to be a belief among some people that this vote to leave the EU gives them a right to abuse others and be openly racist, I for one WILL NOT accept that. The thing that gets me is that, if you look at the many cases reported, most of the people that these idiots are shouting at to get out of the country don't come from countries in Europe anyway. We must come together and make these people understand that this kind of racist bullshit is completely wrong and must stop.

Ok, let me go back a bit to the whole thing about leaving the EU (although thus is still caught up in the racism thing a bit). I have read a lot of things on Twitter about Leave voters complaining that we on the Remain side are "bad losers" and that we should just "suck it up" and "accept it" and just "get on with things", but I don't think they understand the way we, at least me and my wife (and I'm sure many more), feel about the whole thing. As far as I'm concerned, the people that voted to Leave have effectively killed the world I lived in. I honestly, and it seems naively, thought that we lived in a world where the idiots, racists, thugs, uncaring, and selfish people were in the minority but this vote shows me they are not. Now I know some people will not like me branding them as one of those because they voted to Leave but that is exactly what I think of the people that did and nothing is going to stop me feeling that way. You have killed my hope for the future and for the life I hoped for my children and grandchildren to have. I want to live in a caring world of acceptance and tolerance, where people are more important than profit, where hope is the order of the day, where sympathy and empathy for all are the norm and peace is not only achievable but what we all strive for. What this result seems to be ushering in is a world of hate and bigotry even worse than we already have to contend with, a world where banks and corporations will run the country even more than they do now, a world where the poor and less able will struggle and fall to the wayside and there will be no one to save them. Yes I know that some will say that I paint a bleak picture of the future but that IS the way I feel about it, I cannot see a single truly good thing coming from this result. You may say I'm wrong, but you CANNOT prove I am wrong, only time will do that. If you are right then all well and good, although it doesn't change the way I feel now, but what if I'm right? We can't then go back and set it right. I know there are risks in all choices, but I think this one was just too great to take.

As I have said, as far as I'm concerned those that voted to Leave the EU have killed my world and as such DON'T expect me to just carry on as if nothing has happened, I am in mourning for the future of our country and our children, and I have a right to feel upset about, dislike, disagree with and rage against this decision and those that voted for it.

Time, The Leveller Of All Things And How It Takes Me On

So, tomorrow I am 53. My birthday always brings with it hopes and fears in equally distressing amounts. My love for others stops me from doing many things and sometimes I am resentful of that, but then again sometimes I am a complete dick. This time thing has done me some crap but has also done some good stuff, like friends and family (most of it), and bands and other things, and stuff.


I am old! Not just in years but in spirit as well! My soul feels old so much of the time, so old and so worn out spiritually. So there you have it. That's the way of it. Time has done with me much as it has done with everyone else, I just haven't coped with it as well, but that's me for you.

All Things Are Somewhat Changed But Ultimately It's Just The Same Old Shit, And So Am I.

It seems that it's true that the more that things change, the more they stay the same. I am feeling somewhat drained and fed up with being fed up. This current depression, which is in reality just a deepening if my on going down, has lasted well past its time and needs to be buggering off ASAP. Of course that is unlikely but it's worth a try I suppose.


There is a storm a-coming, again, and this time it's complicated by things. I don't know why I'm really even bothering to try to write this. I am not in the mood for bearing my soul on here, I don't really have a great deal to say considering all that is going on, and so the is it for now. I hope to get back to writing this on a more regular basis just as soon as I get out of my current shit storm.

All Over And Everywhere.

There have been many times in my life that I've felt down and Ma ore than a few deep depressions, but at the moment I seem to be in the middle of something a little different and, for me, odd. I know I'm depressed, I know it's more than just feeling down but it isn't a deep depression, at least not all of the time and not in the way I usually experience them. It's almost like an amalgam of the two, I slip from one to the other and back again almost imperceptibly and without warning, at least a few dozen times a day. Part of my head seems locked into the worst of it and the rest flows between the two extremes of down. There are a fair number of external factors that are having a major effect on my mental state as well, which is another change because normally the majority of the triggers and contributing factors are internal. It does feel at the moment like everything is going a bit wrong, from finances to household electrical items not working properly to housing problems to personal screw ups, and there are so many of those that are completely out of my control or ability to cope with at the moment. I know that I should really try to deal with it all in the way laid out in the serenity prayer, but I find that difficult, or even impossible, because most of the time I feel very weak of action, mind and ability. This depression has me firmly in its grip at the moment, all I can hope is that I find a way to be free of it soon.

Break On Through

Short break from all this and everything. Having to remove myself for a short while. Head all in the shit and breaking, need to see. Don't know when but I will be back. Need some something, not here and not in the real world, don't know what or where it is.