Short thoughts on a tall life.

Sometimes I wonder why it is I'm still alive. After all the things I've done to myself over the years, I am amazed that I'm still around. There are times when I just wonder why it is I'm still alive, not because of the things I've done to myself but more because of the thing I couldn't do. I've heard it called "the cowards way out", I disagree completely, but what if you don't have the balls to take "the cowards way out"? What does that make you, or more to the point me? Something less than a coward? Not brave enough for cowardice? I don't know, and sometimes I don't care.

The Anniversary Waltz

This post is an open message to my darling wife Nic and having spent a lot of the morning thinking about exactly what to say in this post, I am no closer to being able to work it out and plan it, so I am going to do it the way I have lived most of my life and just wing it 😃.

Today is the anniversary of the day that you and I were married and, despite my many faults and failings, you're still with me. You have changed my life in so many ways and enabled me to change my own life as well. It hasn't always been an easy ride, mostly due to outside influences, but it has never been uneventful and we have seen it through together (although you're normally more together than me). You have supported me through my down and dark periods, and have put up with my inane ramblings about music and things during my more manic times. You have more belief in me and my abilities than I ever have and you know when I need to be told what to do and given a kick up the bum to do it. You have an amazing heart and a loving personality. You are a great mother to our son and a wonderful wife to me. All that and you put up with my smells and snoring. I know I tell you I love you every day, not always sure I show it enough, but I'll never understand what I did right to deserve you.

I look forward to many more years together and the date is set for the 10 year anniversary vow renewal and karaoke (I'll let you off the vajazzle as long as we can have the Peter and Katie pumpkin coach 😃).

Love you so much
xxx

Some Thoughts On The Recent Past & The Future

Ok, I have thought long and hard about this post. Firstly about if I should even post anything about the referendum and the result, and secondly about what exactly to say once I had decided to do so.

Let me start by saying that I voted to stay in the EU. I can honestly say that there are many things about the EU that I don't like and if we had never been in it and the referendum was about if we should join then I would have said "No", but we are a part of the EU (not removed ourselves yet) and as such leaving will have many consequences. Some of those will be economic, some will be political, and some will be social. As far as the economic and political consequences are concerned, they are things that we will have to cope with and will be more in the hands of those in charge of the country once they, and us, finally decide exactly who that will be and how they are going to manage things and what crap will be shovelled onto us. The social consequences are much more in our hands. There has already been a rise in racial hate crimes and attacks, both verbal and physical, since the result of the referendum came in, we as a society MUST not allow racist thugs to take control of the streets and make it so that non-white people and foreign born, or those born of a family that was originally foreign, people are scared to go out and live their lives. There seems to be a belief among some people that this vote to leave the EU gives them a right to abuse others and be openly racist, I for one WILL NOT accept that. The thing that gets me is that, if you look at the many cases reported, most of the people that these idiots are shouting at to get out of the country don't come from countries in Europe anyway. We must come together and make these people understand that this kind of racist bullshit is completely wrong and must stop.

Ok, let me go back a bit to the whole thing about leaving the EU (although thus is still caught up in the racism thing a bit). I have read a lot of things on Twitter about Leave voters complaining that we on the Remain side are "bad losers" and that we should just "suck it up" and "accept it" and just "get on with things", but I don't think they understand the way we, at least me and my wife (and I'm sure many more), feel about the whole thing. As far as I'm concerned, the people that voted to Leave have effectively killed the world I lived in. I honestly, and it seems naively, thought that we lived in a world where the idiots, racists, thugs, uncaring, and selfish people were in the minority but this vote shows me they are not. Now I know some people will not like me branding them as one of those because they voted to Leave but that is exactly what I think of the people that did and nothing is going to stop me feeling that way. You have killed my hope for the future and for the life I hoped for my children and grandchildren to have. I want to live in a caring world of acceptance and tolerance, where people are more important than profit, where hope is the order of the day, where sympathy and empathy for all are the norm and peace is not only achievable but what we all strive for. What this result seems to be ushering in is a world of hate and bigotry even worse than we already have to contend with, a world where banks and corporations will run the country even more than they do now, a world where the poor and less able will struggle and fall to the wayside and there will be no one to save them. Yes I know that some will say that I paint a bleak picture of the future but that IS the way I feel about it, I cannot see a single truly good thing coming from this result. You may say I'm wrong, but you CANNOT prove I am wrong, only time will do that. If you are right then all well and good, although it doesn't change the way I feel now, but what if I'm right? We can't then go back and set it right. I know there are risks in all choices, but I think this one was just too great to take.

As I have said, as far as I'm concerned those that voted to Leave the EU have killed my world and as such DON'T expect me to just carry on as if nothing has happened, I am in mourning for the future of our country and our children, and I have a right to feel upset about, dislike, disagree with and rage against this decision and those that voted for it.

Time, The Leveller Of All Things And How It Takes Me On

So, tomorrow I am 53. My birthday always brings with it hopes and fears in equally distressing amounts. My love for others stops me from doing many things and sometimes I am resentful of that, but then again sometimes I am a complete dick. This time thing has done me some crap but has also done some good stuff, like friends and family (most of it), and bands and other things, and stuff.


I am old! Not just in years but in spirit as well! My soul feels old so much of the time, so old and so worn out spiritually. So there you have it. That's the way of it. Time has done with me much as it has done with everyone else, I just haven't coped with it as well, but that's me for you.

All Things Are Somewhat Changed But Ultimately It's Just The Same Old Shit, And So Am I.

It seems that it's true that the more that things change, the more they stay the same. I am feeling somewhat drained and fed up with being fed up. This current depression, which is in reality just a deepening if my on going down, has lasted well past its time and needs to be buggering off ASAP. Of course that is unlikely but it's worth a try I suppose.


There is a storm a-coming, again, and this time it's complicated by things. I don't know why I'm really even bothering to try to write this. I am not in the mood for bearing my soul on here, I don't really have a great deal to say considering all that is going on, and so the is it for now. I hope to get back to writing this on a more regular basis just as soon as I get out of my current shit storm.

All Over And Everywhere.

There have been many times in my life that I've felt down and Ma ore than a few deep depressions, but at the moment I seem to be in the middle of something a little different and, for me, odd. I know I'm depressed, I know it's more than just feeling down but it isn't a deep depression, at least not all of the time and not in the way I usually experience them. It's almost like an amalgam of the two, I slip from one to the other and back again almost imperceptibly and without warning, at least a few dozen times a day. Part of my head seems locked into the worst of it and the rest flows between the two extremes of down. There are a fair number of external factors that are having a major effect on my mental state as well, which is another change because normally the majority of the triggers and contributing factors are internal. It does feel at the moment like everything is going a bit wrong, from finances to household electrical items not working properly to housing problems to personal screw ups, and there are so many of those that are completely out of my control or ability to cope with at the moment. I know that I should really try to deal with it all in the way laid out in the serenity prayer, but I find that difficult, or even impossible, because most of the time I feel very weak of action, mind and ability. This depression has me firmly in its grip at the moment, all I can hope is that I find a way to be free of it soon.

Break On Through

Short break from all this and everything. Having to remove myself for a short while. Head all in the shit and breaking, need to see. Don't know when but I will be back. Need some something, not here and not in the real world, don't know what or where it is.

The Unbearable Being Of Lightlessness

I find myself repulsive on so many levels so often. On a "normal" day, when I'm not particularly up or down, I disgust myself because of the many things I have done, said and thought that I know are wrong or that would be see as such by the majority of society. On the few days when I am up, I am revolted by how easily I either forget or overcome the feelings of self-hate and guilt. On the days I am down I am revolted by my thoughts, feelings, past and appearance. On the days I am deeply down I revolt myself by just being, as well as all the other things I've already listed. Other people, not everyone but a large majority, seem to find me friendly and nice. Some have even said I am lovely, and a really great bloke, a good friend, a caring and warm person, and they want to know me, like me and some have said even love me. I don't get it. Why do they see me so differently to the way I see myself? I live in almost constant fear of the day when they all realise just how disgusting and revolting I truly am. I'm glad that I have people in my life that care about me and like and love me, but I don't understand it. I have spent a large amount of my life trying to destroy who and what I am, I have chosen slow and indirect ways to destroy myself rather than anything fast and immediately final, I'm too much of a coward to do that. I love my friends and family, and one day I hope to be able to do the same with myself.




I need a release! I need to find some musicians, or just people who play musical instruments, it doesn't matter what style of music they play or really what level of ability they have, and we can just get together and jam some stuff that we can them form into songs or tunes or something, and when we have enough we can play them live somewhere. Trouble is, I don't seem to able to find anyone who is interested in doing it. Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!





That's it from me for now. Too fed up to write more.

The Attack Of The Big Black Dog

I have had a few bad days of late, well actually they have almost all not been good but some have been worse than others, I have come as close as I ever have or want to to having a drink. I didn't and wouldn't but I really felt like I just wanted to get drunk and forget about things for a while. I'm finding lots of things stressful and difficult, and am finding it massively hard to find or focus on any positive things at the moment.


Anyone want to get a band together with a depressive, fat, singer, who isn't too bad, don't mind too much what sort of music. Maybe singing would make me feel better. Who knows? Not me!



Not really in the right frame of mind to write more now, hopefully will soon.

I am, I think, therefore?

When I was younger I had ideas and an imagination that projected me, in my mind, forwards in time and into a variety of interesting situations. I imagined my future self to be famous in one field or another, in fact that was all that I ever wanted, I didn't much care about what it was I became famous for, as long as it was in some kind of creative field. I tried my hand at writing, poetry and short stories, and I tried song writing and even attempted journalism,of a sort. I took guitar lessons in the hope of becoming a rock star, considered taking up other instruments but never did. I carried on writing short stories and poems, and even started writing a full novel. I continued to try to learn how to play the guitar. After some drunken silliness with a friend, I was persuaded to try to become the singer with a band. I auditioned, but didn't get the job. We then formed a band with some other friends and that is how Klicketty Elephant came into being. We rehearsed for quite a long time, with the aid of much alcohol, until we eventually played live. We seemed to go down well with the audience, after a slowish start, and played regularly...ish for a couple of years, then it all came to an end. I continued to try to learn to play the guitar, and to write my novel and short stories and poems. I went on to sing in a few other bands, some of which I played live with. I also tried turning my hand to band management and promotion, neither of which worked out. Then I woke up and declared myself an alcoholic and went through rehab. After rehab I still held my dreams and desire to become famous. I sent off short stories and poems to competitions and magazines, none of which won anything or got published, and I still kept writing my novel and trying to learn the guitar. I applied for and auditioned for The X Factor, got through the first round but not the second round so didn't make it on to the TV. I deliberately didn't try to carry on singing, I was seriously afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it sober as well as I thought I could while drinking. I stopped writing for quite a while as well, but not for the same reason, just because I didn't feel like it. After quite a while I decided to try the singing thing again, and did pretty well but was scared of failing if I tried to do it live so deliberately walked away from the band I was in, which I wish now I hadn't done so hastily. Anyway, I also started writing my novel again. I started singing with another band after another short break and this time I actually performed live with them, only a couple of songs at a jam night but it was a major step for me. I ended up leaving that band before we did a full gig. I carried on writing my novel and trying to learn the guitar. I spent some time as a DJ on a couple of on-line radio stations which was good for a while but doing it live was a lot of pressure that my depression didn't like and recording the shows started to feel too much like work and no longer like fun, so I stopped doing both, although I wouldn't mind doing some more of the recorded shows now. I had another break from music then a friend from a band I had previously managed asked if I was interested in singing for the band, possibly long term but mainly for a charity night, so that's what I did. We rehearsed and then did a short set for a night to raise money for McMillan nurses. That band then fell apart and that was the last time I sang live, up to now, maybe hopefully more gigs will come someday, we'll see. I also finished my novel, it was crap! I carried on trying to learn to play guitar and have now come to the conclusion that I have probably gone as far down that road as I am ever likely to and so I can play some very basic stuff and no proper chords. I have recorded music on home studios and remixed music on computers, I have even created one piece of music purely on a computer. I had an audition for The Voice but decided not to do it as I have finally realised that the two years I spent with Klicketty Elephant was probably the closest I will ever get to fame, and my desire to be famous has ebbed away and is now not such a desire or a dream and is more of a distant remembered idea that came to nothing. I think that there comes a time when, as an adult, you have to look very seriously at your life and your dreams and accept that it is time to let go of them. I am never going to be famous, not the way I envisioned it anyway, if in any way at all, and that's ok....ish. I don't write fiction much at all these days, still have some ideas and a desire but am just not able to consider myself good enough at it to actually write it, maybe I can just pass my ideas on to others for them to write, no idea how I would go about that but it's an idea. I haven't written a poem for years, haven't properly written a song for years either. Most of the time I faff and I blag and I do very little of any real creative merit, in fact I find myself questioning if I ever really did. Still, I go on and I try to do some things every now and then, which is one of the reasons I tried out for another band last week, just have to wait and see if if anything comes of it.



Not sure where, if anywhere, I was actually going with this post or if there was any real point that I was trying to or going to make but it is what it is and for now is over.

A lot more fun and addicting.

 I have a great way of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and I don't think that I have a great way of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and sleep all night. To the gym today and it was the best of the year, and I don't think that the company has a great way of life, and the rest of the day I have a good time. With the new version is the only thing that would have to go. Back and I don't think I can be the first half of the year and I don't think that the new version is a good time with the same thing to say. I have a good time with my life and the rest of my friends are so many things. I do it again, I have a great day to day. I have a great day to day. I will never get a new phone case, you want me too I think that I have a great way of life is so cute, I can't even see you. Soon I hope I get to the gym today and it was the best of the day before the end of the year.



No idea what's going on in this head thing I have on, just rubbish and downage and more rubbish.



In the quiet moments when my head isn't screaming, arguing or partying, I feel lost and alone. I often long for some space and time to myself and shy away from company, but I hate being on my own because I get so bored and down. I need other people to enable me to exist but don't want them around because I get fed up and annoyed with them so quickly and easily (there are a few exceptions to these things, but not many). It is one of the paradox's of depression that you want time to yourself and space away from others but can't handle being alone because it deepens and intensifies the depression. In a similar way I try to find things to do to keep my mind active and fend off the deep depression but am almost always dissatisfied because I end up doing things that are slightly pointless,  "nothing" things instead of things that are productive or that I really want to do, but added to that is the fact and knowledge that I have clear idea at all of what it is I do really want to do. Then there are the times when you feel numb and do things like standing by a road waiting to cross and wondering what would really happen to the world if you just stepped of the pavement and into the path of one of the trucks, then realising that the only thing that stops you doing that is the friends and family you have and how it would effect them, and then resenting them a bit for stopping you. I sometimes find my self longing for the "good old days" when I was younger with less responsibility but then remember that I hated everything as much then and the way I felt in my head wasn't any better. All I can do is try very hard not to pass my own fears and phobias and crap onto my son, he needs to be free on those sort of things as much as possible for as long as possible, he will build up his own over the years I'm sure.



The fact I can get it right, and I don't think that I can be the first person with depression or any mental health issue to think this way, must surely mean there is hope and I should be able to cling to those things to drag me out of the deepening ooze of black, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

No I Don't Think So, Do You?

Did my shouting to music thing, now just have to wait and see for a couple of weeks while they audition other singers. The main fear for me now is that, because it don't go too badly, they might ask me to join. If they do then I'll have to learn to sing some new songs in a short space of time and perform them regularly. Part of my problem is that I am a fraud, always have been, by that I mean that I can't do anything as well as people think I can and my big fear is that one day everyone else is going to find out that truth and hate me for it. Paranoid much?????



I spent many years basically talking myself out of doing things because of my fear of failure mixed will my fear of the discovery of my inabilities. I have at least got to the point where I will try to do things, even though it takes me some time to decide to actually do it, now I just need to have enough belief in myself to sell myself well and to ignore or get rid of the feelings of inability and inadequacy.
Can I do it though, that is the question????



If I were to ever get rid of all the fears, hang-ups and screw-ups in my head, would I still be the same person I am now? I'm not sure I want to be. You see the problem is that I don't want to, and have never wanted to be that person, in fact I have spent most of my life either running away from me or trying to destroy me, but there are a fair amount of people who seem to like me and wouldn't want me to change too much. I don't know if there is any way to do one without doing the other, could there be??????

The Fear, The Guilt & The Thoughts

Today I have an audition for a band. The fear that I have is physical, I have been feeling ill for the last week and my throat is sore and I feel anxious and everything. I have been assured by my darling wife that I always get like this when I have to do things like this. I don't know but I expect that I probably do. Never having sung most of the songs they do and not actually knowing a few of them, only having heard them in passing, adds to the fear greatly. I like to kid myself that I am a singer, and a few people have told me I have a good voice, but I'm not sure I believe it really. It feels like another of those things I can get by doing but am not really as good as I make out or people seem to think. Am I right or are they, I can't tell and will probably always believe I'm not good enough, it has been the same with everything in my life. I think that my therapists may have been right when they have told me I lack self belief. As to the rehearsal, we shall see.



Lately I have been feeling the grip of guilt relating to things I did and didn't do while I was drinking. This guilt lays heavy on top of the depression and weighs me down greatly. I never forget about it but sometimes I can cope with it better than others. The trouble is I don't know how to deal with it or get rid of it, or if that is even possible.



My thoughts of late have been fairly dark and deflating, I hope the call I made about therapy brings some help soon. I'm fed up of being fed up.

Rigidly Defined Areas Of Doubt And Uncertainty.

Brain, brain, go away, can you please be quiet today!


I am tired! Not tired in the way that means I need to sleep, although I know at least one person that would say that it would help, but tired of the way I feel and tired of dealing with it. I'm fed up of being fed up! I'm beginning to think that it is just another addiction, not exactly the same as my alcoholism but similar in as much as it makes my life unmanageable, not completely but it does have that kind of effect. I am a functioning addict, sometimes I function better than others. I think that something within me wants me to stay within my depression because it feeds the addiction, it could be that it is the addiction itself that controls that want, or it may be something else inside that feels safe within the madness and doesn't like to be without it. Don't know if there is a rehab programme for that.



I have been wrestling with a number of things and trying to make decisions, which doesn't come easy for me at the moment but I have come to a decision about one thing. I have been looking into the idea of getting back into singing and have been in touch with a band that are looking for a singer. I haven't sung many of the songs they do before, and there are a couple I've only ever heard other covers bands do. So I am going to take my chances and go for it, despite the fact that I have little or no self belief, I just hope that if it does work out then I am not overwhelmed by it and not able to cope. We shall see. The problem I have is that I don't want to let anyone down and if it turns out that I cannot cope and have to walk away from it, I may have to do just that. I am nervous and worried about it.



There is a darkness in my head, there is a darkness in my soul, there is a darkness in my life, they are sometimes the same darkness and sometimes anywhere between one and many millions of different darknesses. The darknesses are waiting, I try hard to keep some kind of light somewhere around me to keep them at bay, but at times that light grows dim and almost goes out so the darknesses start to engulf me and draw me into the deep shadows, I wrestle and fight to claw my way back into the light but sometimes I just feel like I want to stop, to give up fighting, to let the darknesses take me and cover me in the blackness, but I can't allow that to happen because I have responsibilities and must keep fighting for them and the things they need from me. At times though I must say it gets mighty difficult to keep up that fight and for those responsibilities to be enough to keep me going.

The lessons we learn and the learning we lessen.

When I was at junior school in Hackney I quite liked it, especially the violin lessons we had with a guy from the Royal College of Music and the project I remember doing on the Romans. I made a full size picture of a Roman centurion, which I hung on the inside of my bedroom door, when we moved to Burnt Oak in the early 1970's it got left behind. It became a bit of a family joke over the years but having done a fair bit of therapy I have now become aware that it was a very important thing. I think that that move was majorly responsible for the way my head is, not completely maybe but it had a hell of a lot to do with it. Firstly, as the youngest in the family I always felt like I was ignored when it came to family matters, not told about things that were happening and not feeling like my opinion or voice was important enough to be included, this was worse after the move and part of the reason was that my hurt at the picture of the centurion being left behind was never acknowledged as real and was turned into a joke. Before moving to Burnt Oak I had never experienced being bullied but from the moment I went into my new junior school it started, and carried on until the end of my school life, and in fact beyond. Also I remember being told that Hackney was a"slum" area and that Burnt Oak and Edgware were better places, but there were no more violin lessons and I felt like the things I was being taught weren't as good or as well taught, although there were one or two teachers that stuck in my head and not all of them for good reasons. There were other things that only started after we moved which had much more of an effect on my life but those things have no place here. I'm not saying that everything about moving to Burnt Oak was bad, I met and still have a lot of friends when we moved there, if I hadn't met them then I wouldn't have worked for Neal Kay and therefore wouldn't have met lots more friends in East London, and all the things that meeting them lead to wouldn't have happened. In the end I wouldn't be the person I am today, some may say that wouldn't be a bad thing but my life isn't bad, even though my head and myself might be. You can't live your life on what if's and regrets, life is what it is, I have a loving wife, three kids that I love and a multitude of grand kids that I also love; I have good close friends; I have other, not so close but equally good friends; and I have family on both sides that care about me. Some might say, and have said, that given all that I should be happy and not depressed, but depression doesn't work like that. Too much of what affects my depressive states is in the past or in my head, neither of which I can switch off or get rid of completely. I used to think that the constant consumption of alcohol would help, and in the short term it sort of did, but in the long term it just made things a whole lot worse. It has taken me a while to stop introducing myself to people by saying "My name's Andy and I'm an alcoholic", I got so used to saying it during my time in rehab and at regular AA meetings. Life is a strange old fish and more than that I cannot, at this time, carry on saying.



As you may or may not be able to tell, I am writing these posts over a period of days. This means that some of the thoughts and feelings super cede each other or change or get lost or get worse or get better or some other such rubbish. There are many things that influence, and don't, my thoughts and feelings, lots of those things are to do with other people and those people are a mix of the known and the unknown, but all are there in the world, except of course for the ones that are not really there in the world, but even those ones are still there just not in a physical sense.



The strangeness that sometimes pervades my soul, head and world is all numbing and slowly breaks my life into a million pieces, those pieces melt into each other and form a lake of memories which drains away into the void of forgetfulness, my life is then replaced by another copy almost exactly the same but slightly more scared and battered. These things are what they are and forever will be so. They don't define me but do re-design me and have done for years, making of me what they do.



Many things around me are changing and moving all the time, just as they do for everyone else I suppose. Why is it that I find it hard to cope with that fact, almost as hard as dealing with the fact that deep down underneath it all, I might be normal. I've fought so hard against being normal all my life and mainly because I didn't want to be me, maybe the me I really am is just a normal every day guy, just like every other normal bloke in the street. Maybe that's what I've been running away from or fighting against, and maybe part of that is the fact that as a normal person I didn't think people would notice me or want to know me. Then again it's possible that none of that is true. Who the f**k knows?

Is The Fat Man Spread Too Thin?

Over the last recentness I have started or taken on a few things, to add to the other things I already have to do. The question is am I taking on too much, especially at a time when my mind is doing a lot of screaming at me and wanting to either hide or destroy? As I have been reminded, at the moment neither of the two newest things I'm going to take on are definate, it could be that they will come to nothing, so until I start them I won't know if they will continue and therefore take any of my time and focus. So I shall wait and see what happens, but it won't stop me worrying about things, I don't think anything would. There are still the other things, some of which are things I have to do and some are things I have said I will do but am unsure of both my ability to carry out and how well I can do them. Me doubting myself and my abilities is nothing new, in fact it has been a habit of mine for as long as I can remember but it is based on experience of me screwing things up and, although I know it is mostly me setting the levels of how good or bad I am at doing things, not achieving anywhere near a good level of success. Maybe I am just talking rubbish again, maybe I am completely paranoid and have a leaning towards self destruction, maybe none of that or this is true, maybe I am not true, maybe there is no truth, maybe all things are true, maybe or maybe not. There is no way of knowing and no way of being without it in my head. There is nothing I can do to get rid of it from my head, I just have to find a way for it and I to co-exist and live peacefully together, instead of dying angrily together. Like any relationship there has to be a certain amount of ..... what is that word? You know, when both sides have to give up things in order for them to work together, er...... can't think of it....... compromise, that's it. The problem is all the compromises will be on my side as far as I can see, I can't see it giving way on anything. Even then there is no possible way to tell if things will work out, also do I want them too? Now there's a question. Yes it is!!!


I have sat away from this for a while, not to think about it or anything in particular, but to see what else may be happening in and around. I fear for the future of our planet; I fear for the future of our country; I fear for our children's future; I fear for the lives of the sick, poor, elderly and disabled; and most of all I fear for the people closest to me and how their futures will be. We live in a world where caring for others is met with ridicule and even hatred on a national, political level, and yet we raise more money for more than one TV charity night every year. Some people have said to me that they don't see why I'm depressed because so many other people in the world have it so much worse than I do, but my empathy towards those others feeds my feelings. I would ask how can anyone now feel depressed given the way the world is going, surely NOT feeling anxious or depressed in these times is more of a mental illness than depression.

Burnt down and out of damns.

I have been on a down of late, well actually I've been drifting in and out of it for some time, and it has got to a point now where I feel it is affecting my ability to cope with the day to day necessities of adult/husbandly/fatherly life. I have decided that it is time for me to get back into therapy, if I can. When I was in group therapy I was just getting to the point where I was opening up and being willing and able to talk about some of the real deep stuff from my childhood and drinking life, when we were told that the Government had changed the rules and now you can't stay in group therapy for longer than 2 years (not sure if it's the same for individual therapy) whereas when I started you had to sign something to say you were willing to stay for at least 2 years because they don't think you can see it doing anything until you done at least that long. So, being the pillock that I am, instead of opening up and getting all the crap out, I shut back down and put it all back in it's little locked box in my head. It has been shouting to be let out again and has seeped out a little which has been part of the down I have been slipping in and out of, that is why I think I need to try to deal with that stuff once and for all. There are also other things that have been part of that down, things from every day life and the world around me, things from other areas of my past, thoughts and feelings that sit inside me and fester because I am too scared to let out or say aloud. Now I know there isn't a "cure" for depression, it is more just dealing with as much as you can and trying to find a way to live with whatever is left, which may well be all of it. I have made the first step and now just have to sit and wait for them to contact me. I know some people think too much therapy can become another addiction or a crutch to lean on, but I have always tried to have periods of therapy interspersed with periods of trying to live out in the real world and cope with things as best  I can. I don't know of any other way to try to deal with all the crap in my head and soul, and believe this is the best thing for me and the right time to go back into it.


I am suprised that I have been able to focus on this one thing long enough to make this entry actually make sense. My focus has lately been more that a little lacking, as have I.


All of that said, of course, there has to be days to live in between now and the day they contact me and I have to try to keep enough focus to do the things needed. Focus!!!!! House Of The King, that was good. Saw them live a few years ago, not entirely the original line up but they were good. Drifting to eye rest, think it might be best to end. I will be back, maybe somebody else will too, thank you to everyone that even looks at my blog in passing. I am writing this as an exercise in purging my brain and knowing some people are reading it is at the same time, odd, exciting, interesting and not really bothering me. I know that might not make sense, and I hope it doesn't upset anyone. I will try to explain. The fact that I can get at least some of my brain juice out and on here is a good thing, the fact it is read by anyone is not really the point of doing it, but there is a part of me that is excited by that fact because I like to think it might have some kind of effect on at least one of the people who read it, egotistical wanker that I am. I also like it when and if people leave comments, partly because they can help (even if it is just because it shows people read and hopefully understand what I write) but also because it stokes that massive ego that sits inside me. Anyway, enough of this waffling bull-shit, I will be posting again at some point, if you stop by, thank you, if not, there you go.

The Irrationality Of It All

There are many number of things that go on in my head/life on a daily basis that I neither understand or have any control over. The external things I try very hard, as directed by the serenity prayer, to find the serenity, courage and wisdom to cope with them. The internal things are a little more difficult because they can be very sudden to come on, very strange and very unexpected. Thus it is that I can go from having a not bad day to wanting to scream into people's faces and rip off heads in a matter of seconds. The problem is I have a habit of taking it out on whoever is around me at the time, which too often is my 9 year old son. I try so hard not to shout or get aggressive when I'm with him but there are times when I don't manage it. I always apologise to him afterwards but I shouldn't need to do that, I shouldn't be taking it out on him in the first place.


The fact that I can see the point of having a bad mood and the other side of my life is so much better than that, I have no idea what I was just about to write, oh well, that's the way my head works sometimes.


There are times when I look at myself and think. I



That's it my self has switched off!!!

Killing Me Softly

Something I have had to come to terms with in recent years is the fact that, for whatever reason, I have spent a large amount of my life deliberately trying to destroy myself. There is something within me that doesn't seem to like me and has been doing its best to wreck my life and, if possible, end it. Of course it hasn't been in quick violent ways, it has been in slower and more subtle ways. Using the weapons of addiction, depression and selfishness, it has battered me and still continues to do so. Now I know about it, I try to fight it and stop it from doing anything before it has a chance to act, it doesn't always work but, in the main I've been successful. The thing is that coming to terms with this, and I'm still not completely sure I have fully, has been very difficult and I have realised that it doesn't mean that I can cope with it or deal with it or stop it in any way, I try to but I know that it may well be the fact that I will never be able to stop it, but hopefully I can learn to live with it and deal with it on a day to day basis.


Since having my heart attack, about 10 years ago, I have come to realise that I am not afraid of death at all. I am scared of dying alone, and also worried about how I die and who finds me, but death itself does not scare me in any way. Maybe it's partly to do with the fact that when I lived at home with my parents, my mum and I used to talk openly about death and dying. We had many conversations about what she thought about death and how people deal with it, also about her advancing age and her death. I didn't have the same sort of conversations with my dad, but my relationship with him was never exactly the same as my relationship with my mum. I always felt close to both of them, as I did to all my family, but I always seemed to be closer to my mum when it came to things like that, we could talk about just about everything.


I can say that I feel it every single day but there are a number of times a month that I miss the family members that I have lost, and I miss the family that we had, or at least I always thought we had. One of the problems of being the youngest of the family is that you often don't get told of things, especially if those things are "bad" things, you are seen as being too young to understand or they don't want to bother you with it, at least that's the way it feels (of course sometimes it feels more like you're just being ignored or left out of things). I know that I have a TV and film fuelled dream-like vision of what I have always thought somethings, like Christmas, should be like and I also know that, not only have those things never been like that, they also will never be like that, mainly because life is not a Bing Crosby or Perry Como or Val Doonican TV special, and I am starting to think maybe my "memory" and thoughts about how our family were are the same, not real.


Gradually, over time, all these things eat away at you and then, if you have that self-loathing thing going on like I have, you start to use them as a weapon against yourself. The thoughts go similar to this: "I am stupid! I must be to continue thinking that things like Christmas could and should be just the way I think they should. More over, I am more stupid for continuing thinking that way even when I know it not possibly. I am even more stupid for getting disappointed ever time they are not the way I think they should be in my 'visions'. Maybe it is my ongoing stupidity that is the reason I want to destroy myself. Well, I'm so useless I can't even do that properly. So I am useless and stupid, why would and does anyone like me, I am not worth the love people show me so what does it matter if I destroy myself?" The strange thing is that, even though I know all these things, and I know that the things I tell myself are not true, it doesn't stop me thinking or feeling them, or help in any way with knowing how to or actually doing anything to stop.

Growing and not and things

I suppose, when it comes down to it, the thing we all do is grow older. That doesn't necessarily mean growing up, just that every year you get another year older. All people grow older at the same rate but they grow up at different rates, so people never grow up at all. The problem is that even when you do grow up, you don't always want to stay grown up, sometimes you want to revert either to your twenties or teenage years or, sometimes, even further back. For some it is a matter of wanting to go back to a time when you were free of the responsibilities of older life, for others it is a matter of wanting to be looked after, for others still it is about virility or control or fun or any one of a million other things. Personally I didn't grow up for a long time, held in stasis by alcohol and not wanting to change that. I spent many years pretending I was growing up, I didn't do a bad job of it but the pretence was difficult to maintain and often slipped away to reveal me as an immature twat. Once I removed the alcohol, I could really grow up and I did, but sometimes I don't want to be so grown up and responsible and sensible but, as a father especially, I can't allow myself to do anything about it, this causes a battle in my head and heart, one which I can never win because I'm the only one fighting.

One thing I have noticed recently is the difference between myself and some other people when it comes to growing up. I have always equated growing up with responsibility and the leaving behind of childish things, that's not to say that you can't be silly and revert occasionally, but that in the main you think about your responsibilities before making any decision to act. I now realise that there are people, some of whom I know, that seem to equate being grown up with swearing, violence and sex. To me, apart from the sex (or at least any actual act relating to sex), they are actually quite immature and childish things. Maybe I am the one who is wrong, or at least has the wrong outlook on life.





I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't become an alcoholic, or if certain things hadn't happened in my childhood which had a major effect on the way I feel about myself and,
therefore, the way my life has played out. I don't necessarily regret the way my life has unfolded, but I do regret the fact that people, including me, got hurt along the way. I'm not saying that I wish my life had gone differently because if it hadn't gone the way it has then there are many things that I have done, many people that I have met and experiences I have had that I would never have had in my life and I wouldn't like them not to be there. What I am saying is that just occasionally I wonder what roads I would have taken and where they would have lead me if I hadn't been so influenced by fear, anger and addiction. I have no doubt that others feel and think the same, sometimes, but for me there are times that it becomes all engulfing for at least a few hours. Often I find myself cursing my "butterfly" mind and wishing I could be more focused, but I'm not, so I just have to make the most of being the unfocused, befuddled twat that I've always been.



Well, as you see I haven't sorted out how to use somethings on this blog, like adding pictures or making it look a bit more interesting, maybe one day, we'll see. I'll be back soon.....ish.

Days of the like and then.

When I woke this morning it felt like a banjo bacon honey kind of day but now it seems to have turned into a Strangled Woodbine Wednesday afternoon. There are no words, well there are but not ones that would be said to be said. The day moves ever onward and I just rotate in my cabin, lost at see but not yet missing. D v hu mmmmmm,,,,,,mkm,kmkio,,,,,,,,,, bnujik.


Sorry!!!


I had to post the above because I wanted to use it as an illustration of what goes on in my mind whenever I sit down to try to write something. I have this sort of thing going on while I'm trying to focus just on the thing I want or need to write about, also there are lists of things I need to do other than the writing being repeated over and over; and at least one song (over the last week it's been "Girls Talk" by Dave Edmunds). The other thing is that the nonsense stuff can change subject, tense and/or tone about every minute, and this is only one of about a dozen different lines of garbage that are all different and all going on at the same time, and fade in and out and through each other. To some extent it's amazing I can ever write anything. I have, for a while now, been trying a thing I read about called "free writing". Basically the idea is to allow the nonsense and garbage that bounces around in your head while you're trying to focus, to flow out onto the page either as words or drawings. It is difficult not to try to make it make sense, or to write something more focused and sensible. There have been a few times that I haven't managed to just let things flow, but on the whole I have. It has been interesting and I will carry it on, at least for a while, maybe once I fill a complete book with my writing and doodles, I will put some of it on line somewhere or get it published (not that I think anyone would want to) or something, or not.



There are times in my life when I have felt alone, no matter how many friends and family I have had and no matter what my relationship situation was. I can, at least, say that right now I don't feel that way and haven't for a few years now. It has taken me a while to realise and acknowledge this fact, I'm not sure why it has taken me so long but I am glad that I have now come to this realisation, and the way I am feeling is due in no small part to my continued sobriety, my years of therapy and my lovely wife.


That's it for this time, be back soon.

Mood Music Or Music Moods.

I have for a while moved away from music a bit. My love of music has never left me but for a while now I have had less desire to listen to it and almost no desire to perform it. Part of the reason for that is my falling out of love with cover bands, although there have been a few exceptions to that. I am of the opinion that doing the same cover versions as all the other bands on the circuit is boring and not what I want to do. I want to play different songs, ones that people don't hear that much anymore or that are just a bit different, if you do have to do some of the same old songs then changing them so they sound different. Not everyone agrees with me, I have been told that a band has to do the songs everyone knows and likes. My argument is that when I starting going to pubs to see live covers band they would have been lynched if they hadn't played Johnny B Goode, Bad Moon Rising or Mustang Sally, these days almost no one plays those songs. The only reason that changed was because bands started playing different songs, and the audience went to see them, it's the bands at the top of the tree of local covers bands that can change things quickest, but smaller and newer bands can try to change things too. The problem is two fold; firstly, finding other musicians that agree with my way of thinking; and secondly, working out what songs to play. There is also the fact that my eyes have been opened over the last year to the fact that there are other and different arenas that bands and musicians can perform in, not just the Rock pub circuit, these offer alternatives of styles of music and songs that could be performed and also the way they can be performed. All of this has left me a little confused as to what I want to do and how to go about it, and also a little jaded as far as Rock covers bands and covers bands in general are concerned.
I have, just recently started a short course on music production and the use of Logic Pro X. It, along with the fact that I seem to be in a lighter place in my head at the moment, has renewed my love of music. I have found myself listening to and enjoying music a lot more than I have been, which is a good thing.



There are days when I really feel like just grabbing someone, anyone, in the street and pushing them up against a wall and just screaming at the top of my voice for as long as I can straight into their face. On those days I try very hard to stifle that desire and end up screaming at myself inside my head, even louder than normal. Thankfully, those days don't occur as often at the moment as they have in the past, and may do again in the future. Life is interesting when you have no idea what sort of mood you will wake up in, or how long it is going to be before that mood changes, it could be minutes or hours or days or weeks. It's partly the unpredictable mood swings and, amongst other various garbage, partly the constantly changing trains if thought and talk inside the head that makes everyday a true adventure and sometimes interesting, sometimes a nightmare. Why was Maxwell's hammer silver? Not an example really, just a thought that I just had, don't know why because I neither know or care what the answer is. Sorry, my mind has gone completely off track now and so this post will end here.

See you again soon....ish, maybe.

How open and honest?

I have been think very hard about this blog and while I am determined to be open and honest, I have had to ask myself the question "How open and honest should I be?" You see the problem for me is two fold; firstly, some of the things in my life and head, both of my own doing/creation and of others, may well hurt other people emotionally that I don't want to hurt in any way; secondly, there are things n my life, some past and some present, that I don't think including on this blog would be of any real necessity. Does that mean that by not including those things I am not being open and honest enough? Should I not self censor and hope, or not care, that what I write does no harm? These things have been eating away at me ever since I first had the idea of doing a more personal blog. I have, I think, come to a decision and I don't think that by leave out things that I know, not just feel, to be unnecessary to include I will be being dishonest or not open enough, maybe it could be argued that I am but I need to be able to do this for me not anyone else. The other point is a little harder to work out but I honestly feel that my openness and honesty should not be at the expense of the feelings of innocent people, I do not feel that collateral damage is ok, so I will not be including details of things that will hurt others (unless, of course, they are people I feel that I want to or deserve to be hurt). So having said that and straightened it out in my mind, maybe it's time to actually get on with the blogging :-)


I have been hugely connected to music throughout my entire life. When I was young I seemed to be constantly surrounded by it and the many different styles of music I heard definitely had a major influence on my own musical tastes. I am the youngest of five children, four boys and one girl, and all of my brothers and my sister listened to different types of music, related but different. My eldest brother was really into Rock 'n' Roll and also liked Reggae and 60's pop, and in later years also listened to light classical music and was a fan of Billy Joel, he was also very into comedy and comedy songs (as were we all). My next eldest brother was into Rock, Heavy Rock, Prog Rock and early Heavy Metal, as well as Jazz, Rock 'n' Roll and the comedy stuff, and later got really into Status Quo. My other brother was also into Rock and comedy stuff, and was a David Bowie fan, and got really into Meatloaf (especially the Bat Out Of Hell album), later he became a huge Z Z Top fan. My sister was also into Rock 'n' Roll, and especially Cliff Richards, and light classical music. My Dad was a massive Jazz fan and my Mum was into Jazz, a bit, musical films and light classical music. Added to these influences were odd tracks that people liked, the fact that my Mum and Dad listened to Radio2 most mornings while I was getting ready for school so I heard a lot of 60's stuff (quite often Motown and late 60's British pop), and of course Top Of The Pops which I, like thousands of others, watched every week. Then there were the direct input of influences from friends, through whom I was introduced to Rockabilly, Heavy Metal and Disco.

I suppose the first music I followed with great passion was Rock 'n' Roll, I was a Teddy Boy with full quiff, drape jacket, bootlaces tie, straight trousers and brothel creepers (or winkle picker boots sometimes). I used to go to a place in Harrow to get my hair done almost every week, while I was there I would pop into Jack Geetch's (not sure that's the right spelling) clothing store, which was where I got my made to measure drape. Also a record shop, which was in the back room of a fruit and veg shop. I would go out to The Royalty club in New Southgate every week. Had a good time there and made some friends. I often miss that free and easy life that I had then, no real money worries and out more than I was in. But you can't live in the past and so we all move on and loose that, and life becomes a matter of dealing (or not) with emotions and loss. I didn't intent this to be just an out pouring of facts about my youth but things just seem to have run away with me. Maybe I will go on with this potted history of my musical rubbish but not right now, the muse has left me if you will and so this post draws to an end. Hopefully it isn't too long and boring and self indulgent :-)

Maybe next time I post something, I'll brighten it up with a picture or two. Maybe, if I can figure it all out, I might put some pictures on my blog somewhere to brighten the whole thing up. We'll see!

Hello, good evening and welcome

I have tried this before and didn't get into it, but I have decided that now blogging is basically out of fashion I will start a new blog about me and what I do. This is mainly for me, as an outlet for my daily rubbish and stuff but who knows, maybe someone else will get something from it or something.

So let me start with a little intro about me. My name is Andy and I am 52 years old, 53 this year. I am a recovering alcoholic, 11 years sober, with a heart condition that requires triple bypass surgery that cannot be done until I have lost a shed load of weight. At the moment there is more chance of me not coming out of the surgery alive than there is of me having another heart attack (I had one about 10 years ago), so they won't do the surgery yet. I have been doing Weight Watchers for the last 4 years and have lost just over 6 stone, I did manage to loose over 100lb but then put some weight back on over Christmas so I trying to get back to that level. I have one failed marriage behind me, from which I have 2 children and 6 grandchildren. I am currently married with 1 child. I have suffered from depression for many years and am currently taking antidepressants on a daily basis, along with 4 different tablets for my heart condition. I suffer from sleep apnea (not sure that's spelt right) and have to hook myself up to a machine every night when I sleep. I also have a perforated ear drum in my left ear which means my hearing in that ear is dulled and I have a continual hissing sound in my ear. I have been involved in music in one way or another for a lot of my adult life, either as a roadie or singer or musician or manager, and am currently doing a short course on music production and recording using a Mac computer and professional software, which is really good. I have had a variety of jobs, almost all of which I have hated in one way or another and am currently out of work on sick benefits.

Well that's pretty much a short and basic introduction to me and my situation, of course there is more to it, which I am planning to go through as I go on with this blog.

So that's all for this post, hope to be back with more soon.