Burnt down and out of damns.

I have been on a down of late, well actually I've been drifting in and out of it for some time, and it has got to a point now where I feel it is affecting my ability to cope with the day to day necessities of adult/husbandly/fatherly life. I have decided that it is time for me to get back into therapy, if I can. When I was in group therapy I was just getting to the point where I was opening up and being willing and able to talk about some of the real deep stuff from my childhood and drinking life, when we were told that the Government had changed the rules and now you can't stay in group therapy for longer than 2 years (not sure if it's the same for individual therapy) whereas when I started you had to sign something to say you were willing to stay for at least 2 years because they don't think you can see it doing anything until you done at least that long. So, being the pillock that I am, instead of opening up and getting all the crap out, I shut back down and put it all back in it's little locked box in my head. It has been shouting to be let out again and has seeped out a little which has been part of the down I have been slipping in and out of, that is why I think I need to try to deal with that stuff once and for all. There are also other things that have been part of that down, things from every day life and the world around me, things from other areas of my past, thoughts and feelings that sit inside me and fester because I am too scared to let out or say aloud. Now I know there isn't a "cure" for depression, it is more just dealing with as much as you can and trying to find a way to live with whatever is left, which may well be all of it. I have made the first step and now just have to sit and wait for them to contact me. I know some people think too much therapy can become another addiction or a crutch to lean on, but I have always tried to have periods of therapy interspersed with periods of trying to live out in the real world and cope with things as best  I can. I don't know of any other way to try to deal with all the crap in my head and soul, and believe this is the best thing for me and the right time to go back into it.


I am suprised that I have been able to focus on this one thing long enough to make this entry actually make sense. My focus has lately been more that a little lacking, as have I.


All of that said, of course, there has to be days to live in between now and the day they contact me and I have to try to keep enough focus to do the things needed. Focus!!!!! House Of The King, that was good. Saw them live a few years ago, not entirely the original line up but they were good. Drifting to eye rest, think it might be best to end. I will be back, maybe somebody else will too, thank you to everyone that even looks at my blog in passing. I am writing this as an exercise in purging my brain and knowing some people are reading it is at the same time, odd, exciting, interesting and not really bothering me. I know that might not make sense, and I hope it doesn't upset anyone. I will try to explain. The fact that I can get at least some of my brain juice out and on here is a good thing, the fact it is read by anyone is not really the point of doing it, but there is a part of me that is excited by that fact because I like to think it might have some kind of effect on at least one of the people who read it, egotistical wanker that I am. I also like it when and if people leave comments, partly because they can help (even if it is just because it shows people read and hopefully understand what I write) but also because it stokes that massive ego that sits inside me. Anyway, enough of this waffling bull-shit, I will be posting again at some point, if you stop by, thank you, if not, there you go.