Rigidly Defined Areas Of Doubt And Uncertainty.

Brain, brain, go away, can you please be quiet today!


I am tired! Not tired in the way that means I need to sleep, although I know at least one person that would say that it would help, but tired of the way I feel and tired of dealing with it. I'm fed up of being fed up! I'm beginning to think that it is just another addiction, not exactly the same as my alcoholism but similar in as much as it makes my life unmanageable, not completely but it does have that kind of effect. I am a functioning addict, sometimes I function better than others. I think that something within me wants me to stay within my depression because it feeds the addiction, it could be that it is the addiction itself that controls that want, or it may be something else inside that feels safe within the madness and doesn't like to be without it. Don't know if there is a rehab programme for that.



I have been wrestling with a number of things and trying to make decisions, which doesn't come easy for me at the moment but I have come to a decision about one thing. I have been looking into the idea of getting back into singing and have been in touch with a band that are looking for a singer. I haven't sung many of the songs they do before, and there are a couple I've only ever heard other covers bands do. So I am going to take my chances and go for it, despite the fact that I have little or no self belief, I just hope that if it does work out then I am not overwhelmed by it and not able to cope. We shall see. The problem I have is that I don't want to let anyone down and if it turns out that I cannot cope and have to walk away from it, I may have to do just that. I am nervous and worried about it.



There is a darkness in my head, there is a darkness in my soul, there is a darkness in my life, they are sometimes the same darkness and sometimes anywhere between one and many millions of different darknesses. The darknesses are waiting, I try hard to keep some kind of light somewhere around me to keep them at bay, but at times that light grows dim and almost goes out so the darknesses start to engulf me and draw me into the deep shadows, I wrestle and fight to claw my way back into the light but sometimes I just feel like I want to stop, to give up fighting, to let the darknesses take me and cover me in the blackness, but I can't allow that to happen because I have responsibilities and must keep fighting for them and the things they need from me. At times though I must say it gets mighty difficult to keep up that fight and for those responsibilities to be enough to keep me going.