Break On Through

Short break from all this and everything. Having to remove myself for a short while. Head all in the shit and breaking, need to see. Don't know when but I will be back. Need some something, not here and not in the real world, don't know what or where it is.

The Unbearable Being Of Lightlessness

I find myself repulsive on so many levels so often. On a "normal" day, when I'm not particularly up or down, I disgust myself because of the many things I have done, said and thought that I know are wrong or that would be see as such by the majority of society. On the few days when I am up, I am revolted by how easily I either forget or overcome the feelings of self-hate and guilt. On the days I am down I am revolted by my thoughts, feelings, past and appearance. On the days I am deeply down I revolt myself by just being, as well as all the other things I've already listed. Other people, not everyone but a large majority, seem to find me friendly and nice. Some have even said I am lovely, and a really great bloke, a good friend, a caring and warm person, and they want to know me, like me and some have said even love me. I don't get it. Why do they see me so differently to the way I see myself? I live in almost constant fear of the day when they all realise just how disgusting and revolting I truly am. I'm glad that I have people in my life that care about me and like and love me, but I don't understand it. I have spent a large amount of my life trying to destroy who and what I am, I have chosen slow and indirect ways to destroy myself rather than anything fast and immediately final, I'm too much of a coward to do that. I love my friends and family, and one day I hope to be able to do the same with myself.




I need a release! I need to find some musicians, or just people who play musical instruments, it doesn't matter what style of music they play or really what level of ability they have, and we can just get together and jam some stuff that we can them form into songs or tunes or something, and when we have enough we can play them live somewhere. Trouble is, I don't seem to able to find anyone who is interested in doing it. Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!





That's it from me for now. Too fed up to write more.

The Attack Of The Big Black Dog

I have had a few bad days of late, well actually they have almost all not been good but some have been worse than others, I have come as close as I ever have or want to to having a drink. I didn't and wouldn't but I really felt like I just wanted to get drunk and forget about things for a while. I'm finding lots of things stressful and difficult, and am finding it massively hard to find or focus on any positive things at the moment.


Anyone want to get a band together with a depressive, fat, singer, who isn't too bad, don't mind too much what sort of music. Maybe singing would make me feel better. Who knows? Not me!



Not really in the right frame of mind to write more now, hopefully will soon.

I am, I think, therefore?

When I was younger I had ideas and an imagination that projected me, in my mind, forwards in time and into a variety of interesting situations. I imagined my future self to be famous in one field or another, in fact that was all that I ever wanted, I didn't much care about what it was I became famous for, as long as it was in some kind of creative field. I tried my hand at writing, poetry and short stories, and I tried song writing and even attempted journalism,of a sort. I took guitar lessons in the hope of becoming a rock star, considered taking up other instruments but never did. I carried on writing short stories and poems, and even started writing a full novel. I continued to try to learn how to play the guitar. After some drunken silliness with a friend, I was persuaded to try to become the singer with a band. I auditioned, but didn't get the job. We then formed a band with some other friends and that is how Klicketty Elephant came into being. We rehearsed for quite a long time, with the aid of much alcohol, until we eventually played live. We seemed to go down well with the audience, after a slowish start, and played regularly...ish for a couple of years, then it all came to an end. I continued to try to learn to play the guitar, and to write my novel and short stories and poems. I went on to sing in a few other bands, some of which I played live with. I also tried turning my hand to band management and promotion, neither of which worked out. Then I woke up and declared myself an alcoholic and went through rehab. After rehab I still held my dreams and desire to become famous. I sent off short stories and poems to competitions and magazines, none of which won anything or got published, and I still kept writing my novel and trying to learn the guitar. I applied for and auditioned for The X Factor, got through the first round but not the second round so didn't make it on to the TV. I deliberately didn't try to carry on singing, I was seriously afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it sober as well as I thought I could while drinking. I stopped writing for quite a while as well, but not for the same reason, just because I didn't feel like it. After quite a while I decided to try the singing thing again, and did pretty well but was scared of failing if I tried to do it live so deliberately walked away from the band I was in, which I wish now I hadn't done so hastily. Anyway, I also started writing my novel again. I started singing with another band after another short break and this time I actually performed live with them, only a couple of songs at a jam night but it was a major step for me. I ended up leaving that band before we did a full gig. I carried on writing my novel and trying to learn the guitar. I spent some time as a DJ on a couple of on-line radio stations which was good for a while but doing it live was a lot of pressure that my depression didn't like and recording the shows started to feel too much like work and no longer like fun, so I stopped doing both, although I wouldn't mind doing some more of the recorded shows now. I had another break from music then a friend from a band I had previously managed asked if I was interested in singing for the band, possibly long term but mainly for a charity night, so that's what I did. We rehearsed and then did a short set for a night to raise money for McMillan nurses. That band then fell apart and that was the last time I sang live, up to now, maybe hopefully more gigs will come someday, we'll see. I also finished my novel, it was crap! I carried on trying to learn to play guitar and have now come to the conclusion that I have probably gone as far down that road as I am ever likely to and so I can play some very basic stuff and no proper chords. I have recorded music on home studios and remixed music on computers, I have even created one piece of music purely on a computer. I had an audition for The Voice but decided not to do it as I have finally realised that the two years I spent with Klicketty Elephant was probably the closest I will ever get to fame, and my desire to be famous has ebbed away and is now not such a desire or a dream and is more of a distant remembered idea that came to nothing. I think that there comes a time when, as an adult, you have to look very seriously at your life and your dreams and accept that it is time to let go of them. I am never going to be famous, not the way I envisioned it anyway, if in any way at all, and that's ok....ish. I don't write fiction much at all these days, still have some ideas and a desire but am just not able to consider myself good enough at it to actually write it, maybe I can just pass my ideas on to others for them to write, no idea how I would go about that but it's an idea. I haven't written a poem for years, haven't properly written a song for years either. Most of the time I faff and I blag and I do very little of any real creative merit, in fact I find myself questioning if I ever really did. Still, I go on and I try to do some things every now and then, which is one of the reasons I tried out for another band last week, just have to wait and see if if anything comes of it.



Not sure where, if anywhere, I was actually going with this post or if there was any real point that I was trying to or going to make but it is what it is and for now is over.

A lot more fun and addicting.

 I have a great way of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and I don't think that I have a great way of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and sleep all night. To the gym today and it was the best of the year, and I don't think that the company has a great way of life, and the rest of the day I have a good time. With the new version is the only thing that would have to go. Back and I don't think I can be the first half of the year and I don't think that the new version is a good time with the same thing to say. I have a good time with my life and the rest of my friends are so many things. I do it again, I have a great day to day. I have a great day to day. I will never get a new phone case, you want me too I think that I have a great way of life is so cute, I can't even see you. Soon I hope I get to the gym today and it was the best of the day before the end of the year.



No idea what's going on in this head thing I have on, just rubbish and downage and more rubbish.



In the quiet moments when my head isn't screaming, arguing or partying, I feel lost and alone. I often long for some space and time to myself and shy away from company, but I hate being on my own because I get so bored and down. I need other people to enable me to exist but don't want them around because I get fed up and annoyed with them so quickly and easily (there are a few exceptions to these things, but not many). It is one of the paradox's of depression that you want time to yourself and space away from others but can't handle being alone because it deepens and intensifies the depression. In a similar way I try to find things to do to keep my mind active and fend off the deep depression but am almost always dissatisfied because I end up doing things that are slightly pointless,  "nothing" things instead of things that are productive or that I really want to do, but added to that is the fact and knowledge that I have clear idea at all of what it is I do really want to do. Then there are the times when you feel numb and do things like standing by a road waiting to cross and wondering what would really happen to the world if you just stepped of the pavement and into the path of one of the trucks, then realising that the only thing that stops you doing that is the friends and family you have and how it would effect them, and then resenting them a bit for stopping you. I sometimes find my self longing for the "good old days" when I was younger with less responsibility but then remember that I hated everything as much then and the way I felt in my head wasn't any better. All I can do is try very hard not to pass my own fears and phobias and crap onto my son, he needs to be free on those sort of things as much as possible for as long as possible, he will build up his own over the years I'm sure.



The fact I can get it right, and I don't think that I can be the first person with depression or any mental health issue to think this way, must surely mean there is hope and I should be able to cling to those things to drag me out of the deepening ooze of black, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

No I Don't Think So, Do You?

Did my shouting to music thing, now just have to wait and see for a couple of weeks while they audition other singers. The main fear for me now is that, because it don't go too badly, they might ask me to join. If they do then I'll have to learn to sing some new songs in a short space of time and perform them regularly. Part of my problem is that I am a fraud, always have been, by that I mean that I can't do anything as well as people think I can and my big fear is that one day everyone else is going to find out that truth and hate me for it. Paranoid much?????



I spent many years basically talking myself out of doing things because of my fear of failure mixed will my fear of the discovery of my inabilities. I have at least got to the point where I will try to do things, even though it takes me some time to decide to actually do it, now I just need to have enough belief in myself to sell myself well and to ignore or get rid of the feelings of inability and inadequacy.
Can I do it though, that is the question????



If I were to ever get rid of all the fears, hang-ups and screw-ups in my head, would I still be the same person I am now? I'm not sure I want to be. You see the problem is that I don't want to, and have never wanted to be that person, in fact I have spent most of my life either running away from me or trying to destroy me, but there are a fair amount of people who seem to like me and wouldn't want me to change too much. I don't know if there is any way to do one without doing the other, could there be??????