I find myself repulsive on so many levels so often. On a "normal" day, when I'm not particularly up or down, I disgust myself because of the many things I have done, said and thought that I know are wrong or that would be see as such by the majority of society. On the few days when I am up, I am revolted by how easily I either forget or overcome the feelings of self-hate and guilt. On the days I am down I am revolted by my thoughts, feelings, past and appearance. On the days I am deeply down I revolt myself by just being, as well as all the other things I've already listed. Other people, not everyone but a large majority, seem to find me friendly and nice. Some have even said I am lovely, and a really great bloke, a good friend, a caring and warm person, and they want to know me, like me and some have said even love me. I don't get it. Why do they see me so differently to the way I see myself? I live in almost constant fear of the day when they all realise just how disgusting and revolting I truly am. I'm glad that I have people in my life that care about me and like and love me, but I don't understand it. I have spent a large amount of my life trying to destroy who and what I am, I have chosen slow and indirect ways to destroy myself rather than anything fast and immediately final, I'm too much of a coward to do that. I love my friends and family, and one day I hope to be able to do the same with myself.
I need a release! I need to find some musicians, or just people who play musical instruments, it doesn't matter what style of music they play or really what level of ability they have, and we can just get together and jam some stuff that we can them form into songs or tunes or something, and when we have enough we can play them live somewhere. Trouble is, I don't seem to able to find anyone who is interested in doing it. Aaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
That's it from me for now. Too fed up to write more.
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