I have a great way of the year of high quality of life and the rest of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and I don't think that I have a great way of the day. Before I get a follow back on my way home and sleep all night. To the gym today and it was the best of the year, and I don't think that the company has a great way of life, and the rest of the day I have a good time. With the new version is the only thing that would have to go. Back and I don't think I can be the first half of the year and I don't think that the new version is a good time with the same thing to say. I have a good time with my life and the rest of my friends are so many things. I do it again, I have a great day to day. I have a great day to day. I will never get a new phone case, you want me too I think that I have a great way of life is so cute, I can't even see you. Soon I hope I get to the gym today and it was the best of the day before the end of the year.
No idea what's going on in this head thing I have on, just rubbish and downage and more rubbish.
In the quiet moments when my head isn't screaming, arguing or partying, I feel lost and alone. I often long for some space and time to myself and shy away from company, but I hate being on my own because I get so bored and down. I need other people to enable me to exist but don't want them around because I get fed up and annoyed with them so quickly and easily (there are a few exceptions to these things, but not many). It is one of the paradox's of depression that you want time to yourself and space away from others but can't handle being alone because it deepens and intensifies the depression. In a similar way I try to find things to do to keep my mind active and fend off the deep depression but am almost always dissatisfied because I end up doing things that are slightly pointless, "nothing" things instead of things that are productive or that I really want to do, but added to that is the fact and knowledge that I have clear idea at all of what it is I do really want to do. Then there are the times when you feel numb and do things like standing by a road waiting to cross and wondering what would really happen to the world if you just stepped of the pavement and into the path of one of the trucks, then realising that the only thing that stops you doing that is the friends and family you have and how it would effect them, and then resenting them a bit for stopping you. I sometimes find my self longing for the "good old days" when I was younger with less responsibility but then remember that I hated everything as much then and the way I felt in my head wasn't any better. All I can do is try very hard not to pass my own fears and phobias and crap onto my son, he needs to be free on those sort of things as much as possible for as long as possible, he will build up his own over the years I'm sure.
The fact I can get it right, and I don't think that I can be the first person with depression or any mental health issue to think this way, must surely mean there is hope and I should be able to cling to those things to drag me out of the deepening ooze of black, but it doesn't seem to be the case.
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