I suppose, when it comes down to it, the thing we all do is grow older. That doesn't necessarily mean growing up, just that every year you get another year older. All people grow older at the same rate but they grow up at different rates, so people never grow up at all. The problem is that even when you do grow up, you don't always want to stay grown up, sometimes you want to revert either to your twenties or teenage years or, sometimes, even further back. For some it is a matter of wanting to go back to a time when you were free of the responsibilities of older life, for others it is a matter of wanting to be looked after, for others still it is about virility or control or fun or any one of a million other things. Personally I didn't grow up for a long time, held in stasis by alcohol and not wanting to change that. I spent many years pretending I was growing up, I didn't do a bad job of it but the pretence was difficult to maintain and often slipped away to reveal me as an immature twat. Once I removed the alcohol, I could really grow up and I did, but sometimes I don't want to be so grown up and responsible and sensible but, as a father especially, I can't allow myself to do anything about it, this causes a battle in my head and heart, one which I can never win because I'm the only one fighting.
One thing I have noticed recently is the difference between myself and some other people when it comes to growing up. I have always equated growing up with responsibility and the leaving behind of childish things, that's not to say that you can't be silly and revert occasionally, but that in the main you think about your responsibilities before making any decision to act. I now realise that there are people, some of whom I know, that seem to equate being grown up with swearing, violence and sex. To me, apart from the sex (or at least any actual act relating to sex), they are actually quite immature and childish things. Maybe I am the one who is wrong, or at least has the wrong outlook on life.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't become an alcoholic, or if certain things hadn't happened in my childhood which had a major effect on the way I feel about myself and,
therefore, the way my life has played out. I don't necessarily regret the way my life has unfolded, but I do regret the fact that people, including me, got hurt along the way. I'm not saying that I wish my life had gone differently because if it hadn't gone the way it has then there are many things that I have done, many people that I have met and experiences I have had that I would never have had in my life and I wouldn't like them not to be there. What I am saying is that just occasionally I wonder what roads I would have taken and where they would have lead me if I hadn't been so influenced by fear, anger and addiction. I have no doubt that others feel and think the same, sometimes, but for me there are times that it becomes all engulfing for at least a few hours. Often I find myself cursing my "butterfly" mind and wishing I could be more focused, but I'm not, so I just have to make the most of being the unfocused, befuddled twat that I've always been.
Well, as you see I haven't sorted out how to use somethings on this blog, like adding pictures or making it look a bit more interesting, maybe one day, we'll see. I'll be back soon.....ish.
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